Kimberly Ky

 

 

Kimberly's passion is to teach from her path. A yoga teacher and new mother, she shares her wisdom, skills and creativity with the Purna community.

Read Kimberly's teachings from her path below. Coming soon are details on Kimberly's family yoga sessions.

Teachings from the Path

Here I explore the intersection of my spiritual practice with motherhood.

In Process: From birthing to early motherhood
October 7, 2018
I had 9 months to envision and prepare for the perfect birth. I practiced yoga, I ate mindfully, I spoke mantras, I read all about natural birthing, I listened to podcasts, I created an intuitive birth painting, and what feels like so much more.This was my process leading to the actual process of birthing. Usually, we think of process in relation to a result. I am doing blank to reach blank. In this case, I was in my process in order to give birth to my baby naturally.

Fast forward to the moment I was asked a series of questions in the triage room. My water had broken the night before, and opted to go through early labor at home. I was back and ready to get this baby out.

The nurse asked, “What is your birth plan?”

Without hesitation, but with slight insecurity, I answered, “My only plan is to go all natural.”

The labor progressed and so did my discomfort. Each contraction came and went, and each one did not feel any more bearable than the last. I got into positions that I had practiced, I got on the yoga ball, I was trying to be so mindful! But in reality, I was attached to these methods “working” and them being the ultimate “solutions”.

After some time, I had a moment of deep quiet and peace. Something had shifted. I wasn’t only feeling discomfort, I was actually feeling sick. The nurse did some tests and a doctor soon came in and informed me that my uterus was infected (a risk of going home to labor after my water broke). We were going to take a detour in my plan of being all natural. This was the beginning of my process of letting go.

Antibiotics to fight the infection, Pitocin to ramp up the contractions, pain meditation to cope, fluids, and pain and pressure I had never experienced before.

“Take it a contraction at a time,” Megumi coached.

“Your ancestors are here,” Adelina reassured.

“Remember your yoga breath,” Tenya reminded.

“I don’t give a fuck about yoga right now!” I screamed. Obviously, I was at my edge. (Later on, my nurse said I was out of my mind).

8 more hours passed. I didn’t want an IV put in. I let go into that. I didn’t want any pain meditation. I let go into laughing gas and a narcotic. I was already NOT all natural. Nothing was going to plan. The shame and dissapointment arose, however drowned out by the pain and concern.

Fast forward again. I had not dilated enough to push, my uterus was exhausted from the infection and not having regular contractions, and my fever had risen. The doctor offered me the epidural and the option to increase Pitocin to move things along faster. The moment was sober. I was beyond my limit physically, mentally, and emotionally. There was nowhere to go but deeper into release. I received the epidural and settled into the next phase of birth. Pitocin was increased, but I did not feel any of it. Time to close my eyes and relax….

6 hours passed. I was feeling so relieved that there was no pain, having slowly settled into the decision to use drugs. Now it was just about waiting to be fully dilated and then I’ll push without any pain. The baby will be here in no time….

All of a sudden, the nurse seemed a tad bit more energized and sharp. She was checking the screen and cross checking with something on the screen, keeping calm and as she adjusted me around.

“The baby’s heart rate dropped drastically twice in 15 minutes,” she reported. “He is stressed out.”

More doctors soon came to inform me of my options. The baby was stressed out from the labor; the on and off strain of Pitocin, the heat from my fever, and most likely my mental state. In that moment, it hit me. I was only envisioning MY perfect birthing experience. I was only making decisions based on MY ideals. I had not even considered the experience of my baby! Here I was laying in bed feeling not feeling the sensations of contractions, but he had been in there the whole time; struggling.

I was given the option of continuing with Pitocin to increase contractions with the hope that my uterus was strong enough to continue, despite the infection or undergo a C-section. If I committed to the vaginal birth, there was no telling how the baby would handle it, and there was no guarantee I would be dilated fully. AND we would not know for another 4+ hours!

There was only one option in my mind and that was the one with the least suffering for my son.

“Let’s get him out now,” I told Tenya.

Within one hour, I was wheeled into the Operating Room, and shortly after, I heard my son’s voice for the first time. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. Tenya brought him over for me to see. He was perfect.

We named him Freedom.

Sitting here now, with Freedom napping on the bed beside me, I am humbled to discover the profound gift of letting go into the process. That gift is to realize and rest into what is MOST important. For me, what was most important shifted from having a natural birth to safely bringing my son into this world, with the least amount of pain.

Without this experience of being in deep in process, I would have never learned the power of sacrifice of ones own vision for another life. No one gets a badge for having a natural vaginal birth. There is no reward for excelling in this way.

Truly, motherhood is an ongoing process, a series of choices grounded in the circumstance of the present moment. Step by step, a new challenge arises, and so does the solution. Onto the next phase, as my son squirms and grunts, alerting me that it’s time for his lunch, aka my boob.

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